Accepting The Good & Bad Parts of Yourself
Image via Claudio Schwarz
Oftentimes I am reminded of the saying “no man is a devil in his own mind” (James Baldwin), which serves as an explanation for the fact that people can visit all manner of crime and petty atrocities upon one another, without malice, and usually without a moment’s hesitation. The human mind is unique in its ability to supply reasoning for behavior, even in the absence of logic. This ability seems to come to us early, often, and in ample supply, without our having to work for it. Instead, it is another ability, to recognize wrongdoing within oneself, that needs to be developed and refined, and until this process of refinement takes place, we have the tendency to view ourselves in dualistic black and white terms.
People have the tendency to view themselves as either angels or demons. These words that personify good and evil and evoke such sentiments in us, capture best the ways we sometimes view ourselves, even if we never use them. The obvious assumption is that it is better to be the former, but neither is actually desirable, because neither provides a realistic view of one’s current capacities or future potentialities. Both terms exist outside the realm of possibility, and to take either as the truth about oneself is to engage in a grandiose form of self-deception.
Angels, those supernatural beings that exist outside of human law, the arbiters of justice and the possessors of righteousness. They embody ideals that people can work towards, but it is hard to know with certainty if we can ever fully possess them. Thus far things seem to point to the fact that the human relationship to ideas like justice is arbitrary at best, and for anyone to think themselves an angel (separate and apart and better than other humans), is an obvious denial of what they, and we, actually are. A work in progress. In fact, this denial results in a life that is not angelic but is inhuman and utterly unrelatable, characterized not by its spirit of justice but by its insistence on righteousness, even at the cost of cruelty towards others. One’s interpersonal failures become evident in this instance, as does the loss of their ability to clearly interpret reality. Any thought, emotion, and behavior that does not align with this immaculate image is banished or projected onto others, and the ironic truth may be that the saying “no man is a devil in his own mind” most naturally applies to the person engaged in this type of deceit.
Less obvious, is the grandiose nature of the belief that one is a demon or a devil, because this form of grandiosity is more subtle. For a person to think of themselves in such terms they must believe to some extent that they are the worst of the worst. They are inherently flawed and beyond redemption. They are the perpetually fallen one who cannot change or rise above their circumstances because their circumstances testify to the fact of their fallenness. This vicious cycle of mental flogging and self-recrimination is what most characterizes the life of the “demon”, more than any outward transgressions.
Underneath a veil of shame is where grandiosity lies. To talk about demons, entities that are sinful beyond compare, that epitomize evil, and think of oneself as the perfect stand-in for such an entity, is a delusion of grandeur, founded on the idea that there is nothing inherently good about the individual. This belief is maintained by the same methods used by the self-righteous person, but they work in reverse. Any evidence of goodness is banished from awareness, wrongdoing is magnified and projected, and even the wrong’s that one is not responsible for are easily absorbed and used as further proof of their corrupt nature.
It is difficult to insist on being something that we are not, and inevitably the trouble begins when this difficulty causes us to lose sight of what we are. Self-imposed isolation makes us rigid. It weds us to a worldview that justifies harmful behavior towards ourselves and others.
It is better and healthier to recognize that one is neither an angel or a demon, and to not mistake oneself for either. These are ideas of reference used to describe oneself and others, used more for their effect than for their accuracy. Acceptance, not grandstanding; of all one’s strengths and weaknesses, one’s virtues and faults, is what produces the humility, mental flexibility, and wholeness that makes the tasks of living with oneself and with others more bearable.